baby is bored

I’m so tired and enraged by the world I’m living in. Imagining other possibilities, utopias of mutual care, responsibility, soft femme embrace, consent as pillar, understanding and honesty, forthrightness paramount, undergirded by love, decorated in pink to a soundtrack of non white-cis-male voices. I want to be buffeted by love and respect and to have these purple clouds grow out past my intimate life, to encompass my whole network, my whole world. I don’t want to rely only on romantic partners or blood kin. I want romantic reliance amongst and between friends to be the norm, I want to be able to depend on others and commit to being there for them.

I want to be part of communities where responsibility for certain principles is the labour not just of those who notice the burdens the most. I want the men in my life to step up without being cajoled, advised, and guided through it. I want my support and advice to be affirmatively sought and appreciated. I don’t want to be taken for granted and I don’t want to take you for granted, but I want to be part of a family we can all always come back to.

I want people to see good intentions and respond with care and generosity to one another. I want people to be blunt with me if I’m doing something that makes them withdraw or roll their eyes. Commitment means fighting sometimes. I want to be able to fight with you, cry, feel embarrassed, sour and resentful and at the end of it hug and laugh and know that loving each other is what’s important.

I want to throw black paint on all your clubs and ruin your fucking DJ equipment. I want you to understand why I don’t want to go to a party, that the memory I’ve adopted from hearing someone else’s story of sexual assault there haunts me and taints a space, taints my free enjoyment. I don’t want to have to fucking explain this to you. I don’t want to ever hear anyone tell me that something isn’t sexist! Not thinking about gender is a piss poor excuse and I’m not buying it. I do buy it though, I believe that you believe yourself. I wish I could make others see or be willing to look. I don’t want to be told that a roster of fewer than 10% of non-cis dude artists equals “a lot of female artists”. Don’t you feel ashamed to hear yourself say that!

I want shame to be more acceptable because so many of us fuck up and are wrong and need to be able to admit to these wrongs and feel the shame we should. I don’t need excuses I just need to know you feel bad. There’s not enough deep exhales in the world for all of this. Care about your friends! Think about their lives, their illnesses, their addictions and show that these things are on your mind sometimes. Book diverse DJs! Don’t go to panels and shows when every performer is a white man in a black t-shirt!
I am bored! This is boring!

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